I’M IN SEMI-RETIREMENT AND THIS BLOG IS WINDING DOWN. I INTEND CALLING IT A DAY IN THE NEXT FEW MONTHS. POSTINGS WILL PROBABLY BE LESS FREQUENT AND I WILL NOT UNDERTAKE ANY MAJOR NEW INVESTIGATIONS. DIOLCH YN FAWR.
Though the way I see it, the threat from an ill-starred and unlikely assemblage of entryists, chancers, and downright odd-balls, was confronted, and defeated. So we can all laugh about it now.
But let’s remember that we humans are all different, and that is true diversity. It doesn’t need to be labelled and imposed by diktat. Diversity just needs to be quietly and generously accepted. For labelling human beings almost always ends badly, because it’s invariably done to promote extreme forms of politics.
As we have so recently seen in YesCymru.
Now read on and have a bit of a laugh.
BBC Wales: Transcript of our interview with the Reverend Bilbo Bobbins
Roderick ap Fechan (for it is he): Good afternoon Reverend Bobbins, and thank you so much for inviting me to the manse after what has been a very stormy time for your church.
BB: Indeed, but things have been a little quieter of late, and I feel that in a very real sense it is now time for me to speak out and set the record straight.
Before our interview could proceed a large housekeeper with very hairy legs, a beard and a floral dress entered bearing a tray laden with Welsh cakes and a pot of PG Tips.
BB: Ah, Mrs Boyle. Thank you, thank you. You know it’s hard to believe it Mr ap Fechan, but until a few months ago Mrs Boyle was a loose head prop with hopes of making it into the Ospreys, but then she read an article on non-binary fashion by one of our Deacons, and the rest, as they say is history.
You can put the tray down here, Mrs Boyle.
Mrs Boyle: Feck off.
BB: Thank you Mrs Boyle, you little minx. Now, Mr ap Fechan, where were we?
ap Fechan: How do you respond, Reverend Bobbins, to claims that your church was taken over by a group of extreme left wing fanatics at the annual picnic in May?
BB: There is not a scintilla of truth in this, and Comrade Guacamole has given me assurances to that effect. In fact he introduced me to an interesting gentleman known as Honest Bob who told me that the list of candidates he put forward represented a range of perfectly innocent cultural groups, and it was in that spirit that I for one welcome members of the Welshpool Trotskyite Crochet Circle, the Maesteg Marxist Doglovers Association and the Swansea Revolutionary Sadomasochistic Front.
As I understand it, only Comrade Guacamole himself is an active member of a political party.
ap Fechan: One of the deacons, Ms Moonbeam Molotov, said on Twitter that she wanted to burn the church to the ground. How do you reconcile this threat with her membership of your ruling body?
BB: Another complete misunderstanding. When I asked Ms Molotov about the cans of petrol she was storing in the church and the boxes labelled TNT in the vestry, she explained that the petrol was for the church minibus and that the large sticks of what looked like dynamite were in fact just fireworks bought in preparation for our annual Guy Fawkes celebration.
ap Fechan: There have also been allegations that a large sum was transferred from church funds to an account belonging to a member of the Welshpool Trotskyite Crochet Circle to finance a planned film featuring ‘marginalised talent’. How do you respond to that?
BB: Comrade Guacamole told me that he had received assurances from the young lady concerned that the money was merely resting in her account, and I think we can put that matter to bed, don’t you?
ap Fechan: Reverend Bobbins, there have been multiple complaints of bullying and harassment of the membership. What do you have to say about that?
BB: I was shocked to learn from the deacons after the annual picnic that our church was no longer a safe space for true believers, and that we had been infiltrated by heretics they called “terfs” and “fashies”. That was why Comrade Guacamole, Ms Gwenda Whiplash, Moonbeam Molotov and the others worked tirelessly to produce a three step procedure for unmasking the heretics.
To my astonishment they revealed that one former deacon and one newly elected deacon were in fact witches, and Ms Molotov and Ms Whiplash set about preparing to have them burned at the stake in the church grounds.
I felt this was unwise in view of the large quantities of petrol and fireworks Ms Molotov had stored on the premises, and so the sentence was commuted to excommunication and eternal damnation, which I felt was more compliant with health and safety regulations.
So, far from being divisive, I came to see that Comrade Guacamole, or Y Mab Darogan as I sometimes call him, and his followers had been sent to restore harmony to our congregation. Indeed, as Honest Bob said to me, “Oi, vicar, don’t you think that Comrade Guacamole, with his flowing beard and sandals, may have been sent to live among us sinners once before?”
ap Fechan: Bringing things up to date, Reverend Bobbins, the Daily Wales is reporting that a formal complaint has been made to S4C about a satirical video featuring a man called DJ Bry. Would you care to comment about this?
BB: I am enormously grateful to Mr Huw Janus, the proprietor of that esteemed organ, for the support he has given to our deacons who regrettably recently resigned en masse. As Mr Janus himself said the other evening, satire is all very well, but the references to social services and revenge porn were extremely upsetting.
Gwenda Whiplash, and I am reminded of Mary Magdalene here, has done a great deal of vital missionary work, and as her OnlyFans page says, at very competitive rates.
ap Fechan: And finally, Reverend Bobbins, how do you see the future for the church?
BB: It was with a heavy heart that I stepped down from my duties, but in a very real sense we are all to blame, are we not? Perhaps some members have been a little too enthusiastic on Twitter, but I am confident that we can rebuild, and Honest Bob has put me in touch with what he tells me is a very reliable firm of builders who will restore the smouldering ruins of the vestry to their former glory.
ap Fechan: Thank you, your grace.
♦ end ♦