Exclusive! ‘The Jones Letter’

This blog has come into possession of an amazing document, a letter written by Carwyn Jones, First Minister of Wales, addressed to President Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin of Russia. It came about in this manner.

On Monday evening I received what I mistook for another of those phone calls I get so many of . . . sexy-sounding woman . . . heavily-accented voice . . . asking for a brief liaison at a secluded spot, but this one was different. Yes, the voice was sexy and heavily accented, but there was something unusually insistent, almost menacing, in the way she said, ‘Meet me at the ———– junction at midnight. I have something to give you. And come alone!

Intrigued, and more than a little apprehensive, I went as instructed. On arriving at the rendezvous there was no one to be seen . . . then a tall, blonde woman stepped from the shadows, looked furtively around, before delving into her ample bosom to retrieve a letter. I hid my disappointment and hurriedly read it by the moonlight reflected from her deep, grey eyes, immediately realising its importance. But before I could ask her why she was giving it to me a limousine pulled up, she got in, and was gone in a screech of tyres and a cloud of smoke.

So what did the letter say, is it as important as the mystery woman suggested? Judge for yourself as you read it below. Or you can click here to read it online, or get a sooper-dooper downloadable and printable copy.

The letter has been scrutinised by a number of people who have all verified its authenticity. ‘Yes, it’s a letter’, said one respected letter expert. While an authority on typewriters was of the opinion that ‘The letter was typed on a Remington No 16, a model I know is used by Assembly secretarial staff. So I suspect Carwyn Jones stayed on late one night – perhaps after falling asleep – and sneaked into the typing pool. Yes, that must be what happened’. Though one well-placed insider reminded us that, Reminton No 16 typewriter‘Whoever wrote this don’t know shit. Wales isn’t run by elected politicians, it’s run by civil servants and council officers, people Dai Public don’t know and never gets the chance to vote for. Whoever wrote this is delusional’.

The mention of Carwyn Jones’ name to the naval attaché at the Porthmadog consulate elicited the response, ‘Is he the bloke who runs the newsagent on the High Street?’. But in the world of bluff, double-bluff, espionage, smoke and mirrors, spies coming in from the cold, etc., etc., this is the standard Russian response when they want you to think they don’t know what you’re talking about. Confirmed by an expert in the intelligence world, who put it this way. ‘You can never tell with the Russians; sometimes they know, other times they don’t know. So how do you know whether they know or whether they don’t know? Then there’s the known unknowns, and there’s unknown unknowns, if you get my drift. I remember one time in Omsk, or was it Tomsk? Anyway . . . ‘

Regular readers will know that this blog has never been one to pass judgement on the Labour Party and so it is entirely possible that this letter is a forgery, such things have been knownVladimir Putin. (And very recently.) But on the balance of probability the evidence strongly suggests that Carwyn Jones did write the letter, and favours Vladimir Putin over David Cameron, or even Ed Miliband. If so, then this constitutes high treason, which no longer merits the death penalty but still carries a life sentence for anyone conspiring with a foreign power . . . though of course guilt will only be confirmed after a lengthy process of deliberation by readers of the Sun, Daily Mail, Telegraph and similar fora.

This blog therefore concludes that it is in the best interests of all concerned that until he is found guilty the matter is resolved Carwyn Jones should be stripped of all his public duties and be taken to the Tower of London. There to subsist on a diet of Welsh cakes and water – but not the posh one in them blue bottles! He can be replaced by any one of the many dynamic and charismatic members of his cabinet until the elections of May 2016 . . . or until the Russians arrive, whichever is the sooner.

7 thoughts on “Exclusive! ‘The Jones Letter’

  1. dafis

    Comrade Carwyn also wrote to Putin asking for advice and aid in dealing with language Fascists in Ceredigion and Nth West Wales. He reckoned that Vlad had good quality relevant experience and had secured positive outcomes ( his words, not mine ! ) in Chechnya, and was making good progress in the Ukraine.

    Wicked rumours coming out of the Bay that Comrade Andrews ( man of the people ) has faked a juicy letter allegedly written by Ms Wood offering Welsh Methodists and Bapists their own Emirate/Caliphate stretching all the way through the English border counties from the Wirral to mouth of Severn in return for spot of ethnic cleansing & repossession. Comrade Andrews reliably informed by top civil servant that this should go down well ahead of the Election and might also bugger up takings at this year’s Eisteddfod cos it’s near the border !

  2. I think this has a lot more substance than a certain memo-rable missive. Well done for exposing this, but watch out for the men with poisoned umbrellas. But wait, I think I’ve twigged your ulterior motive. You’ve thought of another use for that lagoony thingy you want for Abertawe.

  3. H S

    Hi Jack

    No stand down guys, just dictating an email.

    Thanks for the Intel. We’ve had our five eyes on Wales since your coal strike back in the 80s. Our top agent at the time, Kim Picasso, kept us up to speed on what those commies were planning, so its no surprise that this Carwreak guy is consorting with the new Hitler.

    Can you assist us with organizing a color revolution against the Cardiff regime? We’ve plenty of assets on the ground – journalists, TV people – but what we really need is some local muscle. The EDL – Ystrad Mynach branch are OK but our Frontiersmen are a bit past it and far too interested in the EDL lads. Could you bring a detachment of your old FWA comrades down to Cardiff, they’ll be well paid – $10 a day plus authentic forage cap and combat jacket supplied a cost.

    Yours etc

    Hiram Schicklegrubber IV, office of regime change, Langley

  4. Stanski

    Dear Carwyn

    Rather than ring you to talk about your kind offer, why don’t you jump on a plane and fly over to Moscow to see me? Can you do it from Cardiff, sorry – Bristol West Airport yet? I’ll be available any time but if you do decide to visit just make sure your flight avoids the Ukraine. The air corridors get very congested there.

    Stay a few days and you can come swimming, shooting and horse riding with me. If you would like some English speaking company I’ll ask that nice young man Edward Snowden to join us. I think you will like that. Oh, Carwyn – fetch some goose grease along for your chest – I am used to the bitter Russian weather but I fear you may catch cold.

    Hope to see you soon.

    Ni pukha, ni pera

    Vladimir Putin

  5. Mir Balzaritchen

    Intercept from GCSEHQ
    Comrade Carwynz,
    Thank you for the kind offer but, on this occasion, you have been unsuccessfulski.
    Nos da,
    Federal’naya sluzhba bezopasnosti Rossiyskoy Federatsii (FSB GB, c/o Conservative Party, Witney)

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