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<\/a>Welsh way . . . you know.<\/p>\n“Then there\u2019s every parent\u2019s nightmare: one\u2019s darling daughter comes home and informs one that she\u2019s being rogered by some hairy-arsed bastard called Fluellen or Guffin or something. So if only in the interests of more enjoyable train travel and the defence of English womanhood, something clearly needed to be done.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe obvious answer would have been to do away with the lot of them. But that sort of thing has had a bad press over the past hundred years or so, and so a re-think was needed. Castration and sterilisation were obviously attractive, but even then, some do-gooders would have made a fuss.<\/p>\n
\u201cThankfully, an old friend of mine, working in Cambridge at the School of Traditional Hallucinogenics, was studying the effects of drinking reindeer urine after the animals had ingested large quantities of fly agaric (amanita muscaria<\/i>).<\/p>\n
\u201cAfter one particularly intense session of research he had a startling and inspiring vision of a Welsh-free world. The beauty of his vision was that rather than final solutions that bleeding-hearts might find unpalatable, we didn\u2019t have to do anything!\u201d For the beauty of the policy is \u2013 wait for it! \u2013 just ignore them!<\/p>\n
Seeing my somewhat quizzical expression Professor Cholmondeley went on, \u201cYour average Welsh person, for all the noise and banter, is a very insecure creature; this stems from a deeply ingrained sense of inferiority. Consequently, Johnny Taff needs to be reassured that he\u2019s loved, otherwise his self-confidence Perhaps noticing that I was still unconvinced, the Professor adjusted his monocle, took another pinch of snuff, and continued, \u201cWhat I am going to outline is the ultimate refinement of psychological warfare. It is just so bloody clever!<\/em><\/p>\n You must have noticed that when Question Time<\/i> goes to Wales the audience and the panel are overwhelmingly English!\u201d I nodded. \u201cWell, that\u2019s because the makers of Question Time<\/i> are with us. Welsh people watch QT<\/i> and wonder what\u2019s happening, they either think they aren\u2019t wanted on Question Time<\/i>, or that it\u2019s all over for them because they\u2019re now a minority in their own country.<\/p>\n \u201cMore generally, the UK, media ignores Wales altogether unless it\u2019s to run anti-Welsh stories telling the Welsh they\u2019re disliked. This results in many of them thinking their kids would have more chance in the world if they lost their Welshness. Like I said, it\u2019s so bloody clever! We\u2019ve even got the Welsh media on-side. Reporters go to Llansheepshagger to do a story with instructions to only interview English people. Result? There are about two million people in south Wales who think everybody living north of Brecon or Carmarthen is now English!<\/p>\n In a nutshell, make the Welsh believe everybody hates them and they\u2019re being over-run, and then \u2013 to misquote something one of them once wrote \u2013 they WILL<\/i> go gentle into that good night. We have been implementing this strategy for a few years now and it is working splendidly. And anyway, think about it: aren\u2019t we really doing them a favour? I mean, who\u2019d want to be Welsh if they had a choice?\u201d<\/p>\n I asked if there was any response to this devilishly clever strategy. \u201cNo. None at all. That\u2019s the beauty of it. If we were doing something obvious like killing them, or driving them out by force, then there might be a reaction. But what we are doing is so subtle, so intangible, yet so persuasive, that it screws their heads up and takes away their will to resist.<\/p>\n \u201cThere is absolutely no way they can fight it . . . unless of course the daft buggers realise we are just playing mind games\u201d.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" From Page 1 Scientists at the A A Gill Institute for Studies in Cymrophobia have discovered a cure for Welshness. Apparently the discovery was made some years ago, but was kept top secret. Although the news is only now leaking out we understand that the ‘cure’ has been in use for quite a few years, … <\/p>\n<\/a>drains away and he gets very despondent\u201d.<\/p>\n