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Englandland Thrash Mighty Slovenia 1 – 0

Port Elizabeth: Our brave lads today took on and utterly destroyed the overbearing and cocky Slovenians, thereby putting paid to their absurd dream of winning this World Cup.

The men from the vast mountain realm of Slovenia (pop. 2m) – and where most people follow basketball and ice hockey – were humbled and humiliated by the heroes of Englandland. Their overpaid stars such as Dredger Slobic, reputed to be earning £70 a week (less deductions) at Ljubljana Hotspurs, were made to look very ordinary.

Englandland manager Fabio Capello said after the game, “Thees iss-a upp-a there widd-a odder great-a Englandland victories like-a Hastings and Bannockburn”. Well said, Fabio; spoken like a true Englisishhman!

Englandland fans in Port Elizabeth were ecstatic. Said commodities broker Guy Ffrench-Gobshite from Sidcup, “Now that we’ve beaten these Slovenian chappies the way is clear for us to win the Cup thingie. Who else is there to worry about, what?

“Well, OK . . . there’s the Argies, and the Brazilians, and the Krauts, the Eyeties, the Dutch . . . but the point is, surely, that the Slovenians were favourites, weren’t they?”

Make no mistake, this day will go down in history. A thousand years from now Englandlanders will still be celebrating this historic victory, still getting legless, still deluding themselves that they can play football. (What? Ed.)

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