Dec 272014
 

Despite fierce competition from Channel 17 in Albania and the Nova Scotia Parrot Breeders’ Monthly Jac o’ the North is delighted to have secured exclusive rights to First Minister Carwyn Jones’ end-of-year Review. Enjoy!

                                *Carwyn Jones 9

Hello there, I’m Carwyn Jones, you may not know me, but I’m the First Minister of Wales. More importantly, I also run the local branch of the Labour Party (along with Owen Smith MP and a few other people). I hope you all enjoyed your Christmas, I know I did. It gave me a chance to put my feet up and relax for a change, after another hectic and hugely successful year in Wales. Let’s go through it month by month.

P.S. Jac has kindly added some pictures showing me at work, so click on them to make them bigger.

      *

JANUARY: The Dylan Thomas Centenery Year got off to a wonderful start when documents were found at Transport House showing that Dylan was a lifelong supporter of the Labour Party, joining the party in 1938 while fighting in the Spanish Civil War. Not only that, but a previously unknown poem also came to light. Here’s a brief extract showing both his mastery of pomes and stuff and also his commitment to the party he loved: ‘I’ve always been ronk Labour / Its meeCarwyn Jones 2tings are never missed; / Its nostrums are adhered to, / Even when I’m pissed’. The second verse is playfully romantic: ‘I love the Labour Party, / It’s meetings are such fun, / The branch secretary’s a honey, / I wouldn’t mind giving her one’. Chokes me up, it does. And I bet it brings tears to the eyes of all poetry lovers.

FEBRUARY: It was brought to my attention that some foolish people are campaigning to re-open the Carmarthen to Aberystwyth railway line, possibly even go on to Bangor. It should be obvious to everyone that if you’re travelling by rail from north to south (or even south to north) then the existing route via Norwich is clearly the best option and gives people hours, days even, of extra working time. As the old English saying goes, ‘East to west is always best (especially in Wales)’. Who can argue with this tried and tested legitimisation of colonialism?

MARCH: I was surprised to receive from Mr Sargeant and his friends in the Planning Inspectorate a report saying Wales needs one million new homes by 2025. In fact, I said to him, “This seems like a lot, Carl”. But then it was explained to me that this number is due to our soaring birthrate fuelled by the booming Welsh economy which can only be attributed to 15 years of wonderful WelshCarwyn Jones 3 Labour controlling the Assembly. So when you look at it like that it makes perfect sense. In fact, a million may not be enough. (Which is what the Planning Inspectorate is already suggesting.)

APRIL: The London media, at the behest of the Coalition government, said terrible things about the Welsh NHS, so let me put a few things straight. The reason Mrs Rhian Evans of Llanrwst’s baby was delivered by the men re-possessing her three-piece suite was not because we had no ambulances available, it was because she tried calling for one in Welsh! Another calumny (a posh word taught to me by Mrs Hutt) being bandied about is that people have to wait ages before being seen by a doctor. Mr Bowen Owen of Ystradgynlais – fleeting cause celébrè of the right-wing English press – would not have spent three weeks in the waiting room if he’d told staff he was deaf. (And it goes without saying that patient confidentiality is our watchword.)

MAY: No, not Mrs May up in London, over whom certain men fantasise. (Ych a fi!) I’m thinking of the European elections, which Labour won with a stonking majority when almost 10% of those elligible to vote in Wales voted Labour. There’s no arguing with a victory of that mCarwyn Jones 4agnitude. Though of course some nit-pickers did try, saying that Ukip got nearly as many votes as us. But that’s to miss the point, because – and I’m not talking about Europe here – on the issue that really matters, Labour and Ukip are gobbing into the same spittoon.

JUNE: Unkind things were also being said about our higher education sector, so let’s put the record straight. To suggest that some of our universities are lowering entry requirements and cutting corners in pursuit of money is both insulting and incorrect. The fact that Aberystwyth now accepts students with two F grades and a new toothbrush should not deflect from the excellent work being done there by the very popular Ms April McMahon and her loyal and supportive staff. As for Glyndŵr university, degrees were not – as was alleged – being sold in Turkmenistan, far from it. The truth is that a Welsh university broke into new markets by respecting local traditions. In this case, courtesy demanded that certain local dignitaries be allowed to take away examination papers and return them at a time of their own choosing. When it was accepted that the fruit of the potentates’ loins Carwyn Jones 7had completed the papers unaided, with everything above board due to the process having been overseen by invigilators provided at said potentates’ expense. How could anyone question such an arrangement?

JULY: Even though I was on holiday with Mrs Carwyn and the kids I couldn’t stop thinking about the job. One day, whilst sipping a mint julep (with shaved ice, natch), I was forced to concede that there are ‘issues’ in local government. That said, all the problems in Caerphilly were clearly the responsibility of the previous Plaid Cymru administration. If they had paid the chief executive a decent whack then there would have been no need for him to conspire arrange to have a massive salary increase from Mr Gezwell Kirby and his Band of Bruvvers in the incoming Labour administration. While down in Carmarthenshire the Independent Party and Plaid Cymru made a terrible mess of things. Later in the year, the leader of Swansea council had my full support . . . until the coup, after which the new leader had my full support. The bottom line is that everywhere you look around Wales you see the same problem – everything going to pot because people won’t let the Labour Party run things unhindered. (Or the chief executive, whichever applies.)Carwyn Jones 8

AUGUST: I went to the National Eisteddfod, held this year in Llanelli. As you can see from the photograph, I was mobbed by hordes of young Labour activists. (Phwoar!) While there I made a firm commitment to defend the Welsh language at all times . . . unless it meant contradicting the Planning Inspectorate, annoying the Secretary of State, pissing off Labour MPs, interfering with the colonisation strategy, damaging the profits of Wimpey, Redrow, Persimmon, etc., or alarming anyone in London. Those minor caveats aside, let there be no questioning of my firm resolve to do everything I can to ensure that Welsh-speaking communities survive and prosper.

SEPTEMBER: First, I summoned all the world’s leaders to a NATO summit in Newport so I could tell them how to deal with ISIS, Putin, Salmond and assorted threats to our perfect Western system. (Thankfully, no one realised there were any ‘protests’ in Newport because they were sabotaged organised by Ms Bartolotti of MI6 the Green Party.) Next, I flew (from Bristol) to Scotland to confront the aforementioned Alex Carwyn Jones 1Salmond and frustrate his dastardly plan to make Scotland democratic, fair and wealthy. (Jesus! think of the trouble that would have caused!) Due to some very nifty work backstage and in the wings (by those I dare not name) the referendum vote was an emphatic and overwhelming No. It was so emphatic and overwhelming that support for the Scottish National Party has now collapsed as Scots have come to their senses and flock to join the Labour Party. Mr Salmond himself is a broken man, and has abandoned all political ambitions to open a barber shop in Kirriemuir.

OCTOBER: Due to the thousands of new businesses that were created by Welsh Labour with the first two rounds of EU Structural Funds, and the hundreds of thousands of jobs that came with them, those nice people in Europe wisely gave us another two billion pounds to continue with our wonderful work. We are open to imaginative suggestions on how to use this money. Applications containing words or phrases not unlike those here listed stand a good chance of scuring funding: ‘eco-‘ / ‘community space’ / ‘CVs’ (as in ‘help with completing . . . for non-existent jobs’) / ‘enviro-‘ / ‘Labour Party’ (as in, ‘I am a member / supporter . . . ‘) / ‘self-esteem’ / ‘Green’ / ‘multicultural’ / ‘holistic’ / ‘LGBT’ / ‘social enterprise’ / ‘England’ (as in, ‘recently moved frobucket 3 am . . . ‘) / ‘raiki’ / ‘not-for-profit’ / ’empowerment’ / ‘real job’ (as in, ‘never had a . . .’).

NOVEMBER: After reading that every Norwegian is now, theoretically, a millionaire, due to the success of Norway’s Sovereign Wealth Fund, I decided we must have one in Wales. (Though I have reservations about using the term ‘sovereign’.) Starting in January, groups of highly-trained financial analysts will be touring the country with state of the art buckets taking up a national collection. So give granny a good shake, slash open the sofa and chairs, and give whatever you can find to Welsh Labour because, deep inside, you know we’ll use it wisely.

DECEMBER: Mr Vincent Tan has made such a favourable impression on Cardiff City fans that we decided to capitalise on his popularity and fast-track him into the Assembly. He’ll be taking over Vaughan Gething’s seat of Kerdiff South and Penarth. We haven’t told Vaughan yet, it’ll be a surprise! . . . a hell of a surprise seeing as we’ve spread a rumour that he’s my annointed successor! (Well, laff!!)

*

2015: I look forward to 2015 with great optimism. Due to the wonderful work of the Welsh Government’s Bread and Circuses Division our boys will either win the Rugby World Cup or fail heroically; either way, if celebrated properly (with the help of our wonderful Welsh media), it should then give us a majority in the Assembly elections of 2016. As if that wasn’t enough, a string of blockbusters will be filmed at Valleywood: cruise liners will make their first, serene appearance on the Llangollen canal; the roar of F1 cars will be heard at the Circuit of Wales; Cardiff International airport will enter an exciting partnership with Bristol and be re-named Bristol (West); thousands of jobs will be created at the Margam Superpit; Llanelli town centre will become the favoured location for post nuclear holocaust movies; and Rhyl will be twinned with any other shit-hole desperate enough for the connection.

Cardiff airport

Take my word for it, 2015 is going to be a great year in Wales. Everywhere you go you’ll hear shoe-shine boys and beggars, bailiffs and food bank staff, whistling that old Harry Secombe number, Every day when I wake up, I thank the Lord I’m Labour.

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60 Comments on "First Minister Carwyn Jones Looks Back on 2014"

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Ap Dyfnallt
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Agree with your comment about Bristol (West) airport. Any ‘regional co-operation’ will undoubtedly be to the detriment of the Welsh economy and undermine the concept of Wales as a separate country.

Sion
Guest

Loving the “Welsh Sovereign Wealth Fund” bucket!

hardenedskeptic
Guest

I think you just made my year, Jac! Keep up the good work!
(So you’re probably not voting Labour, then?) 🙂

Daley Gleephart
Guest

You should send a copy of the article to the Daily Mail as they’re always on the lookout for pieces that knock Wales and Welsh politics. You could be the new Richard Littlebrain

Albert Hill
Guest

Do men really fancy Mrs May? I find this hard to believe, but then I’ve led a sheltered life.

Have your readers heard about this 10% “one off” wealth tax the IMF/EU intend imposing on everyone with an in-the-black bank account? I know this wont affect you Jac, but I’ll tell you it’s got me biting my fingernails. Time to dream up a third sector wheeze I reckon.

Jobovitch
Guest

It was in an IMF report entitled ‘Taxing Times’ and published in October 2013. Source: http://www.imf.org/external/pubs/ft/fm/2013/02/pdf/fm1302.pdf if you want to wade through 107 pages. “Like 4 wolves and a lamb deciding on what’s for dinner” says, Forbes magazine.

Ben Lewis
Guest

If 2014 was a good year for Wales God help the future.

I for one won’t be going back there

dafis
Guest

Ben , you sound like one of these people who are just plain ungrateful for having London taking care of us so well and placing a man ( and his 5* team ) in Cardiff to make sure everything is just ticketyboo ( spelling may be incorrect ! )
I have many sleepless nights worrying that you and your sort will start agitating, whipping up all sorts of feelings which lead to the kind Mr C J and his helpers being tipped out of office leaving us at the mercy of radical thinkers who have the temerity to imagine that Wales could make it on its own, shifting our focus onto real work away from nice things like non profit making social ventures and carrying cases for holiday makers.

Must go – I’m having a pull of the old anxiety rash again !!

Exminingcoppercouncilworker
Guest
Exminingcoppercouncilworker

As someone in his 50’s who’s kept out of politics, I’m just happy to be on my second career with the local County Council protected by a powerful union and secure future. Labour done us proud….or is it Plaid Cymrw….I’m never really sure!

dafis
Guest

From the other extreme “wing” of Anglo Brit politics we are encouraged to form “alliances” to shut out Ed ( or 2 Eds depending how threatened you may feel ! )

http://www.unitetheright.com/ Country Before Party: The Campaign to Keep Out Ed Miliband

I imagine that having a Tory UKIP combo in place in London could be the start of 5+ years of great darkness and having a bunch of Labour loonies in Cardiff Bay will not be much use as they attempt to divert their shrinking budgets into zombie ventures and turd sector projects while slimming down the NHS and education services by extolling the virtues of self help – “get well soon”, and “read a book butty”

Daley Gleephart
Guest

I doubt if politicians of any Party will be much use if the right-of-sensible form a coalition Government in Westminster. Time to make sure that your passport is okay. Learning an additional European language could be advantageous when planning escape from G4S and SerCo. Speaking Spanish is useful for the whole of South America (incl Brazil) – You remember those right wing dictatorships that seem like socialist softies compared with the greed-driven nutters who prance up and down the corridors of power these days. The Dildoberg Group, Koch Bros, Nigel Barage and now a new astroturf site that has praise heaped upon it by worse-than-useless writers on the Telegraph and Spectator! – Bitter and twisted deluded prats.

dafis
Guest

And here’s evidence that the Anglo Brit 5th column is already here in significant numbers.

http://www.dailypost.co.uk/news/north-wales-news/number-sex-offenders-living-north-8358685

Number of sex offenders living in North Wales increases to 722 – Daily Post

They may not fight but they will sap morale in communities and drain funds from services. Can the “vermin budget ” originally set aside for badgers be redeployed to start weeding this toxic lot out ?

green dragon
Guest

Would appear youve been indulging in a drop too much of the red during the festive season Dafis -The Greens are the party of the future dontcha know? http://ukgeneralelection2015.blogspot.co.uk/2014/12/yougov-18-24-year-olds-lots-of-green.html

Bring on votes for 16 year olds in Wales in 2016 please 🙂 http://www.walesonline.co.uk/news/wales-news/decision-devolving-voting-age-needed-8352396

dafis
Guest

well hello, welcome back, I was beginning to worry that you had dried out and fallen off your branch !! but here you are cracking the funnies !!

I hope as we enter 2015 that someone wakes up to the threat from the Anglo Brit spiteful spectrum, but the alarming sight right now is that no one is really making an alternative pitch – granted Plaid, Greens, Galloway et al are sounding more moderate on issues like immigration, diluting of wages, job insecurity and general quality of life, but really none of them has got any grip on the steady shift towards that centralist corporate state built on collaboration between big business and corrupt politicians of all parties.
Indeed the public at large might be forgiven for thinking that all you minority parties aspire to is the chance to climb on board the bandwagon and play an active role in robbing us of any residual rights. Your esteemed leader, that sad looking OZie , put her foot in it with her remarks about Brit benefit claimants and Indian poverty. Is she trying to compete with Falange for the “biggest nut job” title in 2015 ? It prompted me to check her background and, surprise surprise, she’s a product of a priviledged upbringing in her native OZ, then shifts over to this end of the globe to indulge herself in the good life and lecture us on how to be clean living. Well if the Indian gutter is her idea of an improvement she ought to squat in it for a while and then report back. We have leadership problems in Welsh politics but you guys really need a leadership revamp !

Daley Gleephart
Guest

People in the 18 to 25 years group want more cuts in government spending so, what do you think the 16 to 17 year olds will demand?

dafis
Guest

DG , what most 16/17 year olds want ? Not printable on a reputable, highly moral site like this one !

AnneG
Guest

The Greens are the new lib dems not the party of the future and certainly not the ‘left’. http://kittysjones.wordpress.com/2014/12/23/greens-the-myth-of-the-new-left-debunked/

Jobvitch
Guest

I am not a supporter of the Green Party but your link is a disgrace to civilised debate. Saying that because the Nazis had environmental policies means that all environmentalists are Nazis is as poor an argument as saying, ‘Women are raped by men therefore, all men are rapists.’

Jobovitch
Guest

‘I’m as mad as hell and I’m not gonna take this anymore!’ says Howard Beale in the film Network. Isn’t Disinformation Overload wonderful? Getter madder and madder at um … you know … “Them”.

Marconatrix
Guest

Actually I feel rather sorry for you lot, having such an embarrassment as ‘leader’ of your ‘nation’. And the Welsh used to be rather good at politics once upon a time. How on earth did things come to this?

I mean there he was running up to Scotland telling us _he_ wouldn’t let us share the pound, laugh? Well not really, we just asked, “who is this lad? Mayor of Swansea or some other dump?” And do I need to wash out my ears, or did he really really ask for the nukes to come to Penfro? And how come that didn’t set off the mam a thad of a row? Tell my why anyone should take Wales seriously any more. No really, I’d like to have some cause for hope 😉

Happy New Year then 🙂

The Earthshaker
Guest

Blwyddyn Newydd Dda Jac

Have you seen this, the Guardian of all papers is talking seriously about a Tory/Labour Coalition after May’s election, i’d love to see Labour’s welsh branch explain why they were propping up Thatcher’s party in Westminster and hammering Wales with more austerity after bleating about it for the past 4 years.

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/jan/02/tory-labour-unity-7-may-national-government-constitutional-crisis

dafis
Guest

Noticed this one just a few minutes ago : http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-30662833
Conservatives vow to cap public sector redundancy pay-offs

Tories once again proving that they really have mastered the art/science of bolting stable doors after most of the big horses are well gone !! All the leading Anglo Brit parties have happily colluded in letting public sector fat cats move on with enormous settlements ( just like bankers landed ace deals for incompetence, and MP’s fiddled expenses then got pay offs for being voted out ! )

And that’s the regime that Mr M’trix above thinks we are aligned with ! I suspect he’s paid by them to check out sites like this and stir things up a bit – probably one of the beneficiaries of an earlier redundancy pay off now repaying the favour !

Marconatrix
Guest

Dafis, haven’t you got enough real enemies without manufacturing more out of your own paranoia? Look, last time I looked Wales was a democracy (FWIW) but it does at least have PR for the Assembly. Which means surely that if Labour are ruling the roost down there on the docks, it can only be because quite a lot of Welsh residents vote for them, and don’t vote for parties or candidates that would put Wales first. So you may not be personally aligned to them, (did I ever suggest that?) but an awful lot of Welsh people apparently are. I’m simply trying to understand why so many of you seem to have what amounts to a national death wish.

dafis
Guest

Welsh Labour is the enemy within and it is closely aligned to the Anglo Brit nonsense which runs the whole UK show with a hugely Anglo centric mindset. My point to you was that just because there are a majority of residents of Wales who are bound into that regime by virtue of handouts, greed, self interest and a measure of ignorance you are seriously mistaken to attempt to tar the rest of us with that brush. This is not paranoia – it is a view of the country with the rosey glasses removed ( and staying off ! ) . As evidenced by earlier comments a lot of the pro Anglo vote is organised by people who have migrated into this corner of Prydain, and other people who’s vested interests are tied to a London centred view. As long as so many people depend on government funding it is likely to remain so.

E Jenkins
Guest
dafis
Guest

Off on a tangent, I see Falange is off the beer for a month. Any chance of him going off the camera as well ?

dafis
Guest

just seen this item on Llais y Sais online

http://www.walesonline.co.uk/news/wales-news/full-steam-ahead-group-hoping-8381309
Full steam ahead for the group hoping to reopen Wales’ longest tunnel

I’m not a big fan of rail revival but if this tunnel is reclaimable then why not include a loop from Rhondda to Afan Valley as part of the South Wales metro that everybody is yapping on about – or is that meant to be just a Cardiff metro and sod the rest ? A connection to Pt Talbot would link the valleys to Swansea as well as Cardiff and take some more traffic off that shocking Afan Valley road. One of few cases where it might just make sense and pay its way.

dafis
Guest

Had a look at this disturbing earlier

http://www.plaidglyndwr.com/apps/videos/videos/show/18073320-where-are-the-welsh-politicians-

Proof if ever any was needed that these metropolitan creeps are willing to relocate masses of “displaced” or dysfunctional units out of London into Wales. The guy who features seems a tidy enough person but he ain’t working, unlikely to work, so will now figure on the “outgoings” side of any future financial account for the “Principality”. He’s glad to come to Swansea, seems to benefit from the therapy of the Bay, the inland countryside etc. Would have been nice if someone had told him to use some of his spare time to familiarise himself with local culture , language, traditions, heritage, customs etc but the local hierarchy who facilitated this move want to be Anglos so no one in the bureaucracy will ever suggest a degree of effort to integrate – instead the “natives” will integrate around him !

All readers should go and sign the petition linked to that video

Daley Gleephart
Guest

Wasn’t that video the subject of an article on this website some time ago? The London Boroughs partnership that produced the promotional film no longer exists.

dafis
Guest

Back to our old mate Carwyn :

No surprise here then ! Can’t or won’t interfere in conduct of Labour led Council, pleading poverty yet going to blow over £400k on this worthless piece of ****

http://www.walesonline.co.uk/news/wales-news/
Carmarthenshire council could pay chief executive Mark James a severance deal worth £446,000, it emerges – Wales Online

Start 2015 exactly as you did throughout 2014, these guys just can’t help themselves.

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